26. A Bare-naked Birthday Barbarian
This post contains affiliate links, a full disclaimer is available at the bottom of this page
Since Target followed me everywhere, his favorite treasure followed me too, and I would often turn around to see both of their smiling faces looking up at me.
Since 2016 and 2017 the fall months, that used to bring a sense of gloom and a dull ache for the warmth of summer, were injected with a new spirit of joy and celebration. Target and Comet’s birthday’s as well as the days we brought them home, peppered between the fall and winter’s biggest holidays provided a few extra weeks of celebrating my family. I'm sure it will come as no shock to our readers that I take dog birthdays quite seriously in our house. The truth is when we have occasion to celebrate just about anything, we do; and the idea is for humans to celebrate with as much unbridled joy as the dogs.
When the boys came home, this household became a place of toys. Chew toys, stuffed toys, bones and, especially, balls. Part of the unspoken contract you sign when you bring home a border collie is that your house will always be equipped with balls of all sorts, and we complied. We had, herding balls, glow-in-the-dark balls, and balls of every sport imaginable.
It became customary for us that on the boys' birthday's we would take them to the pet store and allow them to "choose their own toy". With Comet, this adventure would often be brief, due to the fact that his only scruples for choosing a toy consisted of it either being at nose height, or having been taken down off of a high shelf and given to him. Meaning we go to the store, I lead Comet to the toy section, I find a suitable one, hold it up to him, "This one?" and he takes it from me. The decision is made, we pay, the pet store workers give him treats and tell him he is a good boy, and we go home.
Target's process is much more involved. Since it is his birthday, he has to pick out his own toy. Mama’s suggestions are considered, but often ignored. He sniffs carefully, moving from shelf to shelf. Occasionally, I have to veto a choice that we already have at home or has already been purchased and destroyed. Target eventually settles on a toy, he politely sits next to where it is on the shelf and waits for me to bring it to him. Then he carries it to the counter and trades it with the pet store employee for a cookie. He is always very careful to wait until a cookie appears before he hands over this gift. Now that he has chosen, there is tax due for anybody else who wants to play with it. While Comet proudly carries his birthday bounty home, Target always makes me carry the bag.
On Target’s second birthday, we walked him up to the pet store and the process began. At first, he seemed to be having a hard time finding his toy. Then… he saw it. He moved over and sat down in front of the row he wanted. I started pointing to the individual toys in the row in front of him. He didn’t seem interested until I reached the ugliest toy I had ever seen. This year, Target had decided that his favorite toy in the store, was a stuffed, caveman “tuff toy”. The body of the caveman was covered in orange plastic armour, with small protruding, spikes. Its skin was made out of soft tan material, and its giant facial features were only balanced by a saggy, bulbous nose. He was nothing short of a barbarian and thus, I called him:
The Birthday Barbarian.
“You don’t want this one, do you Target?” I asked him, while holding it out. He took it from me gently and started moving towards the counter. I looked at my partner standing nearby. He shrugged,
“Well, it is his birthday?”
I couldn’t argue with that. The one rule of Dog Birthdays: The dog gets to be happy.
At this point, I think it’s fair to let you in on a little secret. A very important reason why I caved so easily on The Birthday Barbarian is, that after the selection process was carried out for their birthday toys, the procedure for both dogs was pretty much the same. The toys would be de-squeakered, their fluff would be decorating my apartment in a matter of minutes and the sheer effort of their exploits would leave them passed out on the cool tiles for a few hours. I left the pet store, bagged Barbarian in hand, with a very smug satisfaction that his hours were numbered. It didn’t matter that my dog had chosen a toy that was likely to give me nightmares, because he wouldn’t last long enough for it to matter…..
So, I would just like to say that smug satisfaction is the surest way for Karma to laugh in your face and then bite you in the ass.
Sure enough, the Birthday Barbarian was the one toy in our house that survived the odds. It turned out that Target chose the toy with love in his eyes and innocence in his heart, he had no intention of destroying his birthday present. This was his pride and joy after all. Target carried the Birthday Barbarian with him around the house, he knocked Comet out of the way when he got too close, and when I couldn’t stand the sight of it any longer and hid it in a cupboard, Target found it there and retrieved it.
Since Target followed me everywhere, his favorite treasure followed me too, and I would often turn around to see both of their smiling faces looking up at me. The Birthday Barbarian in his entirety, lasted a week before Target started to get antsy. It was in his nature to de-stuff and de-squeaker toys. This toy, was even called a “Tuff Toy” and, frankly, I have always felt that toys that make that claim are taunting my dogs and asking for it. I would often see Target in the corner next to the door, nibbling away on the Barbarian and I LOVED IT!
Your Days Are Numbered, Sir.
But… do you remember what I said earlier about smug satisfaction? As it turns out, Target wasn’t reigning hellfire down on The Barbarian. To help curb his destructive desire, without wrecking his favorite friend, he had very carefully nibbled the corners of the toy’s orange, plastic armour in just the right spot, where the armour was held on, over The Barbarian’s shoulders. Shortly after I had witnessed Target gnawing away, I turned around from doing the dishes to find a large, armoured breastplate lying on the mat in front of the door. As I knelt down to pick it up to investigate, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Target tossing, a now, Bare-naked Birthday Barbarian across the living room with pup-ish glee.
Of course, the toy that I hated with vehemence was now naked, often airborne and his nudity made him even more of a presence in my life than when he was fully clothed. The Bare-naked Birthday Barbarian would accompany me when I took the garbage out, he followed me to my bed where I would find him entangled in my sheets, and one, cheeky night he even found himself sharing my bath water!
When the weather changed I purchased a Pet Egg for Target and Comet and the Bare-naked Barbarian was put aside for a summer filled with running, chasing and exploring. When the toy box was opened and the day was winding down, Target would still find his soft friend and take him to bed (HIS bed, not mine!) and that’s where he would stay until the next day when I’d put him away in the toy box again.
Despite, my initial hatred of The Birthday Barbarian, I was sad when Target finally got fed up with him and chewed his face off. It happened quite suddenly, and despite what I know to be reality, I can’t help but wonder if they had words. The company that sold them had stopped making the Barbarian version of that toy and the other animals in their brand weren’t as big a hit as his initial birthday present.
As much as I still hate that stupid toy and I know that if I were to purchase another one, it would also end up naked in my bath water, I would still get another one if I ever saw it in passing at a pet store. As many times as I looked at that ugly thing being flung across my living room, or peeled it’s tanned little body out from under the covers in my bed and thought to myself “never again, I’m NEVER doing this again”, it just goes to show you the lengths that you will go to,
For the love of a good dog.
